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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 28, 2014 9:30am-10:01am PST

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> this is the future that remains to be won, and it will be won. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welt come to the report, everybody, thank you so much, good to you have
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with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. oh, oh, you can tell these people-- thank you, folks. let me-- folks, i got a very important question to ask every single person in here and watching out there in america and around the world. are you ready for some foot and ball! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i don't blame folks, because this year they are playing the game right here in the heart of new york city, east
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rutherford, new jersey. that's right. the excellent contest of top yardage is coming to my home turf and i cannot wait until the best team from one side meets the best team from another side. and runs to the most points of victory. (applause) i can hear you. folks, i can hear you out there. i'm sure some of you may be asking, you may be asking, stephen, why are you talking so vaguely about this sunday's tight man pants clash. (laughter) well, greg, it's because despite my love of america's pastime, the nfl is notoriously let i believe us to unlicensed broadcaster the. in fact i was all set to brand this week's show the stephen colbert super bowl nfl coverage starring stephen colbert as carie
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bradshaw sponsored by underarmour eat fresh but then i got this actual letter from the network. it reads in part nfl is very aggressive in protecting their trademark. they have so in the world that people are shy about using the logo without permission. and it's true. i mean just look how commercials avoid naming this championship. within get ready for the big game sale. >> it's the big game sale event. >> big game. >> big game sale. >> the big game, mattress supersale. >> are you ready for the big game! (laughter) >> stephen: yeah, the big game. and of course we all know -- (cheers and applause) we all know the winner of the big game goes to animated mouse theme park. but-- (laughter) sports nation, i'm going to-- not going to just give up just because the network
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won't let me play footage or show official logos or mention the name of the game. >> i believe we can cover the story like nobody else simply by moving one consonant in the title. so ladies and gentlemen, it is time for my week long coverage of superb owl 48. jim? (cheers and applause) whooo! >> stephen: nation, this week superb owl coverage-- (laughter) will be as majestic as the great an sinnian long eared
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owl-- abyssian long eared owl. no other network will promise that, okay. now i'm still looking for a sponsor for my superb owl coverage. meantime i guess i will just kickback an enjoy an ice cold bud lite live. (cheers and applause) is oh, someone forgot to refrigerant that. yes, bud lite lime, the official beer of me looking for a sponsor. with lime. of course this is superb owl number 48 so to honor this grand tradition i'm cook up a batch of my famous 48 meat chili. not easy to find that many meats. my apologies to the central park zoo. now all week, folks, all week i promise you will have world-class experts in the game that must not be named.
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superstar number cruncher nate silver, pro bowl defensive end, hall of fame wide receiver cris carter and new orleans saints quarterback drew bries. plus, plus many of my commercial breaks will be sir payton manning eating or driving things. (laughter) but folks, as much as i enjoy enormous men crashing into each other with skull shattering force, one man has turned this game very ugly. seattle seahawks cornerback richard scherrman. -- scherrman-- sherman. >> well done, okay. folks, we know the story. this guy combines the temper of russ rel crowe, the hubris of kanye west and the hair style of the predator. now granted, i will grant you this, i will grant you this. sherman clenched the nfc
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championship game by swatting a pass meant for san francisco 49er michael crabtree into the arms of his teammate for a game-winning interception. legally, now, i cannot show you the actual nfl footage, but trust me, it looked a little something like this. >> crabtree, looking up-- this game is over. >> stephen: one game what a game, what a game. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that good. that good. but just listen to sherman's rant after the game. >> i'm the best one in the game. when you find me with a-- like crabtree that is what you going to getment don't you ever talk about me! (applause) (laughter) >> stephen: is the scary black man gone? now folks, i got to tell you,
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i am not the only one freaked out by this. twitter was all atwitter. >> there were the usual trolls who immediately emerged on twitter to deploy the "n" word and all manner of monkey, gorilla and ape analogies. >> many are calling him a thug. >> one calling him a straight thug. >> stephen: an he is a thug. i mean just look at how sherman hunted down michael crabtree after the game to rudely congratulation-- congratulate him. >> hell of a game, hell of a game! >> stephen: so folks i got to tell you, it is so refreshing to see that after being assaulted with the offer of a handshake crabtree still showed the class to high five sherman's face. but no surprise-- no surprise when it comes to solid, this thug refuses to take responsibility for us calling him a thug. >> all the backlash, the word thug, does that bother
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you. >> the only reason it bothers me is because it seems like it is the accepted way of calling somebody the "n" word nowadays? >> stephen: really, thug is the accepted way of calling somebody the "n" word? i am sorry but i don't believe there is any accepted way of calling somebody the "n" word. that is where you and i partways, mr. sherman. you are a racist. (applause) besides, when i use the word thuling or any other word for that matter, it can not be racist because i do not see race. i have evolved beyond racism. i don't even know my own race. people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i thought macklemore deserved those grammys. well, folks, this weekend-- (applause) folks this weekend the nfl made sherman pay the price for his bad behavior.
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>> the nfl finding seattle seahawks cornerback richard sherman $7,875 for unsportsman like conduct. >> stephen: now that fifing $7,875 sounds both oddly arbitrary and strangely specific. (laughter) but it's only one of those. let me break down sherman's itemized bill which i have right here. it is, let's see, it's $300 for traunting san francisco with the sign for choking. then we have $40 for cinemax. $35 ticketmaster convenience charge. and oh, okay, the final $7500 is for taking a tobblerone from the hotel we'll r. "!hqrrrdx
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welcome back, erv, thanks so much. folks, last night was music's biggest event of the year, the grammies. of course, big winners of the night were macklemore and ryan lewis who won four grammys including best rap album, which means that white people have officially won rap, thank you. thank you very much for rap, african-americans. you fought bravely, but we'll take it from here. (laughter) now unfortunately,
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unfortunately, folks, the evening was marred when my friend macklemore and lewis had to politicize their gay anthem same love. >> it's the same love ♪ ♪ about time that we raise up ♪ ♪. >> we are gathered here to celebrate love and harmony in every color. as i look at the audience i'm delighted to see the faces of 33 couples who have chosen this moment to celebrate their vows with us here in los angeles. by the power vested in me by the state of california i now pronounce you a married couple! >> stephen: i don't know but, but madonna'sant rance gave me an urge to eat a bucket of fried chicken. i can't believe-- (cheers and applause) either that or she had a dolly parton transplant.
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(laughter) folks, i cannot believe that on national television they held a mass gay wedding. now officially, officially it was only 33 couples but who knows how many people were innard vently gay married last night. you know, it's just like a gala ger concert, the first two rows are in the gay splash zone. well, i hope, i hope that gay-- and jay z will be really happy but it might be tough on beyonce and her now spouse taylor swift. do not break her heart or she will write a very cattie song about you. other big winners last night include alecia keys, paul mccartney, dave grohl, mike buble, vampire weekend and daft punk. what do all of those people have in common? oh, that's right, i gave them all the colbert bump. i'm a star maker, baby, i'm
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a grammy factory, this is where it comes from. but nation, as proud as i am of all these friends of the show i am most proud of my best friend of the show, me. within for best spoken word album, stephen colbert. carol burnett, david sedaris, billy crystal, pete seeger. >> i even know some of these people, come on. >> all right, and the grammy goes to stephen colbert! >> whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> i won a grammy for best spoken word. stephen, stephen, stephen! >> you understand what it's like to win, win the grammy for best spoken word, that is like the nobel prize of audio book.
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(laughter) and winning a grammy for just speaking is not easy. that's like big the winning contestant on so you think you can walk. now obviously, obviously winning best spoken word means i'm the world's greatest word speaker. i mean look how i say it, watch this, listen up, ameliorate, yolo, all words and i just nailed them. i'm so good at speaking words, i'm so good at speaking words i should get paid just for speaking words. what's that? i do, and very well. oh, that's good to know. an folks, with this, with this my second grammy that means i finally collected the coveted egot, the biggest awards in entertainment, emmy, grammy, other grammy and the people's choice award. (cheers and applause)
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now the academy of recording arts and scientists is very particular about how you are supposed to hold these things. always with a gramophone turned to the left side of picture, okay. only this sideshowing, okay this sideshowing, why? partly because this is where the plaque is and you can see with my previous grammy four years ago, but also because-- also because the other side has visible genitalia. now i don't-- (applause) i done-- i'm got to say, i don't know why they do that. i assume this is how you make more grammies. hold on, i know what to do, hold on one second. there you go. hold on, hold on. that's better. we'll be right back.
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welcome back, everybody, my guest tonight uses statistics to predict four outcomes, a fancy way of saying he's a bookie. please welcome nate silver. whooo! >> nate, thanks so much, have a seat, my man. all right. nate, thanks so much for joining me. what an honor to have you
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here. >> thanks for coming back to the show. now everybody knows you ran the 538 blog at the "new york times". >> for sure. >> that was the-- that was the political blog to go to to figure out who will be the next president of the united states. start out with sports statistics, to politics, to you back to sports. why 538 when you're going to espn. is that how many there are now, 538. >> why go into sports. >> well, we love sports, a great way to teach people about math and statistics but mostly it's a lot of fun and we're sports fans. put it like this, there is a lot of coverage you see in politics that's really just gossip, about a serious subject. and we want to take a fun subject and be overly serious about with it at times. >> but can you be, can you be too serious about football in america? because i mean what happens if we weren't holding the game this weekend? what happens if we didn't
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find out about which animal was going to be used. >> it's like reality tv for men, basically. but you know, it's a big cultural thing. and i don't know, i like football. >> you got very good at that, you know, predicting who would be winning in baseball based on the statistics. can you do the same thing with football. can you apply the same statistical analysis. >> the problem with this game this year is that both teams are really good. in fact, this is -- >> what are the odds. >> what are the numbers. >> so the 8th time according to my colleague, neil payne of, the 8th time were the two best teams have actually met in the super bowl. usually somebody gets up set along the way. it makes my job really tough. in politics i'm trying to point to the obvious thing and you looked really smart for-- this game is-- i'm not sure i want to place money on it at all frankly. >> you mean have you percentage, who is going to win. >> so the numbers say it's going to be a tie really, so
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no one wins. >> a year ago i predicted seattle win super bowl. i'm going to stick with that and say i was pressured a year earlier. >> okay, all right. >> but it's going to be close. >> you would think it's going to be close. >> yeah. >> no, you would because i don't actually-- i don't-- okay. so you know, why do you want to do to football what you did to politics which is to ruin it with accuracy? >> if you get as good with football then you are what politics and it won't be like on any given sunday a team could win. will you just read 538 and say it's going to be seattle, let's go to bed. >> i think the world actually is pretty unpredictable place. including in sports. i mean you know. >> but you nailed 2008 and 2012. >> i think people especially maybe in the media aren't very good at understanding what's predictable and what isn't. politics, we have like
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literally like hundreds of holes, the battle with the head and all those things was kind of pointing out the obvious. >> one thing you got up on 538 already about the game is you have got weather stats up there. >> yeah. >> a 21% chance that it will be 25 degrees or below, a 31% chance it will be win of 15 miles per hour or more. you know we have the national weather service, right? >> so we were using their data and if you want to get technical here. >> stephen: i think that's all we're going to do here. >> so up until about 10 days. >> yeah. >> up until 10 days before the event, then these long-term averages do as well as anything else. >> rightment they might do 15 day forecast like the ft s1 million sunscreen doesn't really give you any extra added advantage but now you actually have models that look at the actual weather systems, clouds and so forth. and are much more accurate now that we are -- >> of the big game. >> so you said that not only is this going to be a close game, but this could be sort
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of a bush versus gore game. >> this is a 2000 super bowl, i think potentially. >> does that mean that one team will score more points but the supreme court will give the trophy to the other team? >> (cheers and applause) >> it might be a referee controversy, perhaps. >> without do you like have the best commercial this weekend? >> you know, i don't watch the commercial. i actually watch it for the game. >> well, nate, thank you so much for joining us. >> okay. >> stephen: nate silver, espn, 538 watch. check it out. we'll be right back. "!hqrrrdx
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charlie: hello, charlie kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. is your cat making too much noise all the time? is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?! (crashing, lion roaring sounds) is your cat clawing at your furnitures? (growling) think there's no answer? you're so stupid!
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